A Guide to Professional Drinking

How to drink properly.

The gold martini

So, you think you can drink. The real question, can you drink anything and still remain coherent? Can you out-drink your friends, wake up without a hangover, and make them think you're a god? If your answer is no, or not really, then I am here to help you. There are MANY myths on how to drink and have no hangover, and I have tried them. None of them truly work. Yet, through conditioning myself, and learning some basic biology, I figured out how to drink, really drink, and wake with little to no side effects. 

First, what do you eat? That is almost the most important aspect to being "godly" when it comes to drinking. Second, how is your metabolism? Lastly, and most importantly, how hydrated are you at ALL times? What you want to do, especially if you are not doing it now, is drink LOTS of water beforehand. By LOTS, I really do mean a lot, roughly a liter or so every day. That is your base. When you are planning to go out, increase the amount of water you drink that day. 

Next, what are you eating? Are you eating 4-6 meals? Or are you doing the typical 2? If it is the latter, fix that. 4-6 meals will immediately kick start the last part, your metabolism. I'm not talking about huge meals, rather just reasonable ones. Exercise on top of this (yes, you will become healthier) and you'll have a strong engine. Now, the day of, it is best to boost your absorbing foods (i.e, cheese, bread, etc.,.). The heavier, the better, because you need something to absorb the abundant amount of alcohol you will be taking in.


Always play bartender roulette!

Now, the methodology of drinking. What to start with first? Well, NO wine, and NO beer to start. Too much sugar will also slow you down, so try to keep it mostly pure alcohol or low sugar content (very little additives). Pace yourself as well, don't try to do 5 drinks an hour, or you will quickly realize you can't hang. You have to work up your abilities to that "godly" level. Start with 1-2 drinks per hour, and no, I don't add in water during these nights. Why? It doesn't do anything at that point. If you're not hydrated ahead of time, you WON'T be during. Now, the food will absorb a lot of the alcohol, and then your metabolism will process it quickly. 

While you are engaging in this new process, learn how to taper off towards the end of the night, meaning, learn which alcohol has the least effect on you, and start drinking that, and reducing how much you take in per hour. That can include wine (works great to sleep) or beer (the carbonation can cause burping or increase digestion if done right). Now, before you sleep, grab a Gatorade, or coconut water, or another beverage with very high hydration levels. Drink at least half of that and pop 1 or 2 calcium bicarbonate (TUMS or Rolaids) to help the stomach stay settled. This way, you wake up, and all you have left to do is unload the booze (yes, expunge it from your system through number 2). Remember to rehydrate (more than usual) and this will help your body get ready to go for the next round.

Cheers to the new real drinkers out there!

The more you can train your body to handle this level, the more you will be able to consume with less and less effect. Thus, your friends will be amazed at your "godly" drinking abilities! Many will challenge you, and you will destroy them as you know how to drink–How to really drink, and survive. Go forth, and be safe. 

Oh, one last thing, tip your bartender REALLY well before you start drinking. Trust me, they will appreciate it, and it will come back to you (in the form of more alcohol in your drinks or free drinks altogether). 

Tip your bartender well, they will take care of you!

Yoshio Chandler
Yoshio Chandler

Yoshio is a Kryptonian living on Earth, looking to help humanity prosper. He has a degree in Theatre Acting and Directing and Dance. He is also an entrepreneur, and adventure seeker. In his spare time he works out regularly and reads books.

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A Guide to Professional Drinking