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Archer's Guide to Cocktails

With the release of the season 8 trailer, Sterling Archer offers his personal collection of cocktail recipes.

Please note that the following are cocktail recipes. You won't find anything about wine in this article, as Sterling stated to me over what I believe was his fifth scotch, he does not have a vagina. He also wanted to avoid highball recipes, because a highball is technically just a spirit and a mixer, and frankly, if you need to recipe to tell you to add soda to scotch, then you probably shouldn't be drinking anyway. Archer has been kind enough to not only share his favorite recipes but provide us with some stellar quotes too.

Bloody Mary

The Bloody is the cornerstone upon which Woodhouse builds my sumptuous breakfasts!

3oz vodka

6oz freshly squeezed tomato juice

1oz freshly squeezed key lime juice

1/2 teaspoon freshly grated horseradish

Dash of Worcestershire sauce

Dash of hot sauce

Dash of Salt and pepper


Shake ingredients, over ice, in a cocktail mixer. Pour mixture into an imperial pint glass and garnish, using one of those cool little plastic swords with:

 1 rib organic celery, with leafy bits still attached

3 Extremededura oolives (pitted)

3 caper berries


For a Bloody Caesar, simply replace the tomato juice with 6 ounces of Clamato. You will not be sorry.

Caipirinha

I love everything about Brazil. Like, I don't mean to sound unpatriotic, but I really wish the Brazilians would get there shit tigether and conquer the entire world. Enslave me already.

1/2 lime, cut into wedges

2 teaspoons crystal sugar

2oz cachaca

With a wooden muddler, which of course you have, muddle lime and sugar in an old fashioned glass. Fill glass with crushed ice and add cachaca. Some bartenders will insist on garnishing your caipirinha with a piece of sugar cane, but that's just empty calories.

 The vodka gimlet, which regardless of what anyone tells you, simply does not exist. The cocktail of which you are thinking is properly defined as "vodka, combined with the ingredients that any sane person would use to make a gimlet."

Brandy Alexandar

Invented in 334BC by the imperial mixologist to Alexander the Great, to celebrate his victory over the Persians. Who I think are now the Iranians. But also, who cares?

2oz cognac

2oz creme de cacao

2oz half-and-half (or heavy cream, if you're Pam)

Pinch of nutmeg

Shake ingredients, over ice, in a cocktail mixer. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with Nutmeg.

Archer's Fun Fact: Two tablespoons of nutmeg will kill you. So maybe don't eat two tablespoons of Nutmeg. I'm looking at you Pam!

Daquiri

Invented in Havana's El Floridita bar and made famous by Ernest Hemingway, winner of both the Pulitzer Prize in Fiction and the Nobel Prize for Literature.

4oz white rum

2oz freshly squeezed orange juice

1/2oz gomme syrup

Shake ingredients, over ice, in a cocktail mixer/ Strain into a chilled glass and serve.

Another Archer Fun Fact: Most of the cool guys from back in Hemingway's time- John Huston, Daved Niven, Clark Gable, Eric Sevareid, Winston Churchill, etc. Thought Hemingway was a dick.

Gummi Roy

A Rob Roy is basically a Manhattan in which the whiskey is replaced with scotch. A Gummi Roy is basically a Rob Roy in which the sweet vermouth is replaced with gummi bears.

5 gummi bears

2oz scotch

Place gummi bears in a rocks glass. Add scotch. A child could do it. In fact, the brightly colored, kid-friendly gummi bears make this an excellent drink to teach children about cocktails.

I refuse to include a recipe for the Bellini. If you want a Bellini, then go to Harry's Bar in Venice and order a Bellini. Because that's the only place on earth you should ever drink one.

Green Russian

This is the only time ever that I'll say be careful with a cocktail.

2oz absinthe

2oz vodka

1oz creme de menthe

2oz milk (Pam being a lost cause, uses heavy cream)

Shake ingredients over ice, in a cocktail mixer. Strain into an ice filled collins glass. Drink, whilst thinking about the decisions that have brought you to this very spot, at this very moment.

The Gibson is a joyless drink for the dour, low level, consular functionaries, which is simply a martini in which a pearl onion shamelessly attempts to replace the olive. As if it ever could.

Martini

I think I've made it pretty clear that I don't like to invite comparison to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. So here is Sterling Archer's recipe for a martini. Deal.

5oz gin

1oz dry vermouth

1 tablespoon Extremedura olive juice

3 Extremedura olives as garnish (pitted)

Pour gin, vermouth, olive juice and ice cubes into a cocktail mixer and stir. Just to be contrary, because it makes absolutely difference whether it's shaken or stirred, and only a colossal idiot believes otherwise.Strain into chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with olives speared onto a little plastic sword. Sip, thinking about how it's actually pretty damn cool that you haven't become overexposed, yet.

I think I've made my stance on acceptable martini ingredients pretty clear. Although, in certain other (lame British) secret agent's defense, I do have to admit that the earliest version of the so-called "martini" was actually fairly non-vaginal, as it contained both vodka and gin, and a great shot of Lillet Blonde.Also a slice of lemon peel, which, whatever, but two out of three of those bastards, and your liver will definitely know that you expect great things from it.

Long Island Ice Tea

There are very, very few good things that have actually come from Long Island. Yeah, no, I can't actually think of a single other thing besides this cocktail.

T1oz vodka

1oz gin

1oz white rum

1oz triple sec

1oz tequila (seriously this drink doesn't fuck around)

2oz freshly squeezed lemon juice

2oz gomme syrup

Splash of cola

1 lemon slice to garnish.

Shake ingredients, over ice, in a cocktail mixer. Strain into pint glass filled with ice, garnish with lemon slice and serve. Hand someone your keys. House keys too, you can just smash in a window.

The Long Island Ice Tea  is an excellent drink to serve a female companion, although prudence dictates you know her body weight within a margin of error of three pounds. Actually, prudence dictates you know this no matter what you're serving her.

Manhattan

One of several cocktails named after a place. Also, the cherry makes it a nice late morning transitional cocktail, to help you ease into whatever you'll be drinking at lunch.

2 1/2oz rye or Canadian whiskey

1oz sweet red vermouth

1 dash angostura bitters

1 maraschino cherry, as garnish

Shake ingredients over ice, in a cocktail mixer. Strain into chilled cocktail glass and garnish with a cherry. Sip, while thinking about how cool you are. Yeah you're doing okay.

Mai Tais are tropical and delicious, but like the Bellini, unless you're drinking them at the source (the original Don the Beachcomber's in Los Angeles, now closed) there's really no point in trying.

Pimm's Cup

At first glance this drink seems like the Brits tried to do to cocktails what they have long done to food. And world wars. Seriously, is that a cucumber in your drink, or are you just glad to see Lend-Lease battleships steaming towards your Luftwaffe-pummeled shitbox of an island?

1 small English cucumber

3 oz Pimm's No. 1

1oz freshly squeezed Meyer lemon juice

Pinch of sugar

Sprig of fresh rosemary

Sprig of thyme

Sprig of mint

1 slice Meyer lemon

1 fresh strawberry. halved

3oz carbonated lemonade or lemon-lime soda or ginger ale or ginger beer

Cut two spears from the cucumber, set aside for garnish. Dice remaining cucumber and place it into a cocktail mixer. Muddle, then add Pimm's, lemon juice, sugar and some ice. Shake vigorously and strain into an ice-filled Collins glass (or re-purposed 40mm Luftwaffe shell casing). Add the herbs, lemon slice and strawberry halves. Fill the glass with carbonated lemonade (or whatever) and garnish with the cucumber spears.

Archer Fun Fact: Contrary to popular belief, bourbon whiskey may be produced anywhere in the United States, and not exclusively in Kentucky. Same thing goes for banging your cousin.

Sterling's Final Thoughts

A final note about cocktails: You probably assume it's important to use only the highest-quality spirits. In this assumption you would be absolutely correct. But it is equally important to use only the highest-quality mixers, ingredients, and assorted garnishes. Why use a thirty-year Garrafeira porto for a porto flip, and then mix it a nonorganic, non-cage-free egg yolk?
A (second) final note about cocktails: If at all possible, avoid mixing your own. It sends the wrong message. Because there's usually somebody standing there who should be doing it for you: bartender, valet, midlevel diplomat, a woman, etc.

You should enjoy these cocktails in conjunction with the Archer drinking game. Archer season 8 premiers April 5th at 10pm on FXX. Until then you can always binge watch seven seasons with some gummi roys and a burrito!

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