Best Drinking Quotes of All Time

The best drinking quotes speak for you when you're unable to speak because you've been drinking.

God bless drinking. It makes life so much more enjoyable and bearable! What doesn't make life enjoyable is THIS GODDAMN WHITE SUPREMACIST PATRIARCHY THAT MADE IT SO HARD TO FIND QUOTES FROM WOMEN ABOUT DRINKING! It was like browsing the Western literary canon: all dead white men. 

There were even fewer quotes from women of color. Are you shitting me?! Were these list makers unable to name any women of color who are FAMOUS AUTHORS?! Did they not even think to include them? How can you expect me to tolerate so much bullshit without a drink?

Do you know how intellectually dishonest it is to put together a list and exclude women and women of color just because you didn't think to include them? STEP OUT OF YOUR BUBBLE BEFORE I BURST IT! Euch, I'm going to need the best motivational soccer quotes to remember before a game and a glass of Lagavulin 16-year-old scotch to recover from that ordeal. BECAUSE I AM A CLASSY LADY. I will let the best drinking quotes of all time speak for me.

"There comes a time in every woman's life when the only thing that helps is a glass of Champagne." – Bette Davis

Yeah, it's called "right when I get home after work"! Bette Davis, thank you for providing one of the best drinking quotes. I don't know if this quote makes me feel better right now or all the time, but it certainly helps. 

"People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim." – Ann Landers

Euch, too true, Ann, too true! This is one of the best drinking quotes because it makes you ask yourself why you drink. I feel all day every day. That used to make me drink, but, eventually, I just accepted the inevitability of sorrow, which meant one less excuse to drink. These days I drink to unwind and celebrate. Although I find a lot of reasons to celebrate!

"Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time." – Catherine Zandonella

Exactly, Catherine, you get it! This is one of the best drinking quotes because it serves as an argument for self-care. Self-care belongs on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, and it's an act rebellion to practice self-care in the face of oppressive regimes like that of President Sex Criminal. Nothing like getting together with a group of your closest friends and just telling each other what you think until you're just telling each other how you feel.

"I'm really big on day dates. If you go for a stroll, have a picnic or lunch with a glass of wine – it doesn't get better than that. " – Meghan Markle, Duchess of Sussex

This is one of the best drinking quotes because it's Meghan Markle giving you permission to day drink. If day drinking is good enough for Meghan Markle, then it's good enough for me! And, yeah, a glass of wine at lunch isn't necessarily day drinking, but who's counting? Are you? What are you, the day drinking police?! IS THIS A BUST?! No? Then quit being so judgey and enjoy life. Preferably with someone special by your side. Le sigh. 

"Every December, I host a tree-trimming party. I serve chili with cornbread and lots of good wine. It's a wonderful party, and it shows how much adults like to play." – Maya Angelou

Maya Angelou does this? This is one of the best drinking quotes of all time because now I feel like I'm on the same level as Maya Angelou, which I am not. But she just made me feel like I could be. I could throw a party just like this of my own! Oh, Maya; thank you. 

"Alcohol removes inhibitions—like that scared little mouse who got drunk and shook his whiskers and shouted: 'Now bring on that damn cat!'" – Eleanor Early

Aww, this is one of the best drinking quotes of all time because I can relate to the scared little mouse. You know, I may shout, "Goddamn this white supremacist patriarchy," a lot, but sometimes I need some liquid courage to do it when the stakes are higher than usual. And I would have shouted it just now but it's been a long day and I'm too tired to shout, plus the Lagavulin has kicked in. 

"My justification is that most people my age spend a lot of time thinking about what they’re going to do for the next five or 10 years. The time they spend thinking about their life, I just spend drinking." – Amy Winehouse

Ha ha, oh Amy! This is one of the best drinking quotes because it's so funny. And it's funny because it's true. And now it's immediately tragic in light of your death. I've put off plenty of big decisions because I wanted to drink and have fun instead. A lot of people end up paying for that sort of behavior later in life, but I was lucky and landed a job doing what I've always wanted to do. I've got a lifetime for all those years of drinking to catch up with me, though!

"Life is too short, and I'm Italian. I'd much rather eat pasta and drink wine than be a size 0." – Sophia Bush

Preach, Sophia! This is one of the best drinking quotes because it tells you to live life to the fullest in spite of social pressure. I don't want to deprive my life of drinking beer just because society expects me to look a certain way. Luckily, my rec soccer team keeps me running around enough that I can enjoy both pasta and wine on the regular. BUT WHAT HAPPENS IF MY KNEES GIVE OUT?! I shouldn't have to worry about these things but I do. The cognitive dissonance can be overbearing!

"I began to think vodka was my drink at last. It didn’t taste like anything, but it went straight down into my stomach like a sword swallowers’ sword and made me feel powerful and godlike." – Sylvia Plath

This is one of the best drinking quotes of all times because it captures my own experiences with alcohol. I knew what alcohol could do for me and I wanted it to do those things, but I just couldn't keep it down! Then one day, through enough experimentation, I found something that works, like low calorie vodka cocktail recipes. And now everything works! 

Quoting Sylvia Plath also makes me think of a New York Times essay I just read by Leslie Jamison called  "I Used to Insist I Didn’t Get Angry. Not Anymore." In the essay, Jamison writes that, " For a long time, I was drawn to 'sad lady' icons: the scribes and bards of loneliness and melancholy. As a certain kind of slightly morbid, slightly depressive, slightly self-intoxicated, deeply predictable, pre-emptively apologetic literary fan-girl, I loved Sylvia Plath." 

I can relate to both Plath and Jamison. I used to sublimate my anger and just feel sad; these days I howl at the moon like the women who run with wolves. In some ways, I feel better; in other ways I feel worse. That's because I expanded the scope of what I allowed myself to feel. 

"I drink a lot of coconut water. It balances out all the other toxic stuff I put into my body." – Rihanna

Haha! This is one of the best drinking quotes because it's like a stone skipping across water. Rihanna just has this great way of expressing the ineffable in as few words as possible. Sometimes zero in the case of the "Find someone who looks at you how Rihanna looks at weed," meme, which is still one of my favorites. So, what's your coconut water, you know?

And, for your information, I'm still looking for someone who looks at me how Rihanna looks at weed. Preferably when I wake up in the morning.