Functioning Alcoholic

Could Be Worse

Just sitting on the back porch, sipping cheap whiskey mixed with canned blackberries. And I mean cheap whiskey, 1.75 liters cost like $17.50. And that's after tax. The two before were whiskey and Dr. Pepper. I ran out. But I ain't gonna sip just cheap whiskey. That's what alcoholics do. I'm not.

I'm a functioning alcoholic.

Functioning?

Functioning.

That's the one word you can put in front of alcoholic to really class it up. To an average person, it's no better. But to someone teetering the line it's miles of difference.

I work full-time. Married to an awesome lady. I feel like most husbands would say their wife was awesome. Even if they didn't mean it, it just looks better on you to say that they are awesome. But I have actually proof my wife is awesome. She was the drummer for my metalcore band and our alt/indie-rock band.... So yeah. Pretty dang awesome;) Together we got two kids. And I'm a great father. Not even bragging on myself. My wife will tell you I am a great father. She'd say the same probably about me as a husband, but she would be being generous. Kids don't care you drink at least 1.75 liters of cheap whiskey, or vodka a week. Kids just care about the time and quality of time you spend with them. From the time I get home from work until they go to bed, I'm all their's. Of course they don't notice the drink in my hand through the whole thing. But why would they?

On the weekends I wake up with them and make them breakfast, lunch, and snacks. By lunch they don't notice the drink in my hand. But hey, I waited till lunch so why would they. And even if they did, why would they care? They love the blackberry pancakes I make them. My daughter plays the video game we bought her and my son helps me break eggs, put all the ingredients in, and is super proud that he can keep his hand on the mixer while we blend it all to a creamy paste. We listen to music through it all. We love music!

The kids go down for a nap and I get time to myself. I either spend it doing small chores around the house or being lazy and playing guitar and watching TV; drinking the whole time of course, who wants to do chores with no drink? Do you know how much better you play guitar with a couple drinks? 

By dinner time me and my wife are in the kitchen. She's doing the important stuff and I'm chopping onions, peppers, jalapeños, and anything that needs to be sliced and diced. I know she notices the drink in my hand. I know she knows it's not my first, second, third, or fourth but she doesn't say anything. Maybe she'll have one to take the edge off from the hard day of work.... It makes me feel better to make her one, somehow softens the pouring of my fifth to sixth one.

You may be surprised, but I rarely go to bed drunk anymore.....anymore. I rarely wake up with a hangover anymore. After all, if you knew what I used to drink, you'd be proud of me for cutting back from 3.50 liters of liquor a week to 1.75.

I was asked lately if I thought I was an alcoholic by a lady giving me an assessment. An assessment I had to get before my next court date for a DUI charge. My first charge. She asked, I said no. She didn't say do you consider yourself a functioning alcoholic.

Functioning?

Functioning.

Its the one word you can put in front of alcoholic to really class it up. Most people wouldn't really think it's that big of a difference. But to someone like me. It's miles of difference.

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