Here I am again. Sitting up and unable to fully relax. To sleep, that would be peace. I don't think I have slept fully in months. My husband is in the thick of his addiction. It feels worse than ever. Every day is the same. He works, drinks, then passes out. (Vomit optional) He must get his fix on the way home. I am pretty sure he drinks in his car before coming in.
One of the worst parts is knowing if he has had anything in his system. I can see the slightest shift in his walk or speech. It comes from knowing a person so well. I envy new couples who still have secrets. There is no hiding in our marriage. I can tell it bothers him when he is caught. Still, he insists on lying to me. I can be holding an empty bottle and he comes up with an elaborate story of how it got there. It fills me with so much frustration. I feel stupid and his alienation doesn't help. The guilt and blame is put on to me. I feel like I am slowly filling up and on the verge of bursting. In my head, I yell and throw things. In my life, I never thought I would be this person. I wish I didn't know him and this could be a dream.
I am bitter and angry as I write this. He has started lying more. He will lie, even if he is obviously guilty. I can see what he charges on his cards, but he will continue his charade. I see what he throws away. I can beg him to tell the truth and nothing. Sometimes, he breaks and tells the truth, but his remorse is gone. It doesn't even seem to bother him anymore. I have considered freezing his cards, but feel it will do more harm than good. In my desperation, I ordered a breathalyzer. It was my thought this would keep him honest. This isn't me, suspicious and resentful. I don't want to be that woman. I feel so much anger toward him. Almost to the point of wanting to hurt him. This makes me hate myself more. I am a worse person with him now and that is a sickening feeling. I know my only option now, it is just impossible to face.
A few months ago I felt hope. He seemed to be doing better. He even went 5 days without a drink. He believes he will be able to just have a drink here and there someday. This "realization" is something he has every time he has a sober day. "I think I could have one beer." It is a goal of his. Without fail, this backfires. This is a warning in itself and I have tried to explain it. With the way his brain works, he will never be able to casually drink. He has an addictive personality. If he isn't drinking it's tobacco. He needs something to be addicted to.
I have glimpses of a future without him and it is hard. Life would be uncomfortable and scary. I would be alone with our baby and it is too much to take in. Financially, I would be screwed. Some college doesn't get you much more than minimum wage. I know it isn't healthy to stay either. For too long, I have convinced myself to stay. "I love him, we can be happy", all lies I tell myself. By tomorrow, I may be back there again. In my heart, I know what needs to be done. Will I ever be strong enough?