When I was busy drinking on half-baked meds and wasting my time in other ways, I didn’t think about how this would impact my desire to get advanced degrees. I knew in my twenties that I wanted to become a lawyer and get a psychology Ph.D. But in my thirties, my desire to study medicine came out with help from a friend of mine who pointed out I wanted to become a prescribing psychiatrist in addition. This desire got tacked on to my other desires. I have no idea how the psychiatrist thing popped into my head but it did. Then I discovered I just plain wanted to help people with my disability. I would like a joint MBA with my law degree and also, I want a Masters in psychology, an M.S. specifically.
I want to become a pro-bono lawyer who helps mentally ill people for free. I want to not make a dime off of my legal studies. My business ideas will make the money. Back in college, I did write an essay on where I would be in five years. I had plans. With my instability though, my plans would fall through when I was manic or depressed. I was unfocused from my drinking habit. I was busy hanging out at bars with the ex. These days, I hate bars with a purple passion.
I do not set foot in one. Think of the STDs floating around. I mean, you never know who you will wind up talking to if you go to a bar. Bars suck. People in there are evil. Bottom-line is I avoid them. I also avoid alcohol. My academic work is so much better without the alcohol attached. Once, I declined drinking when I was determined I needed to stop drinking. Then, while parking my car in downtown, I was pulled over by a cop because I didn’t have my lights on. That was a ticket. The only ticket I have ever gotten. Frankly, it could have been a DUI.
I have since maintained my abstinence from alcohol. No matter how many times people offer me a drink. They haven’t gotten my alcoholism through their heads. I do not drink. Don’t buy me a drink. Don’t ask me to drink. I am an alcoholic. I have chosen not to drink alcohol ever again. Although school could push me back to a relapse. I want to get my undergraduate work done at the junior college level so I have equivalency.
This is a lot of work by itself, to transfer my units to a law school. It is why I’m going to do my paralegal degree online. I will make money from that but not from my mental health and the law studies. My medication is nice since I can get to sleep at night, something I had trouble doing until I was at least 30. My sleep deprivation was pretty bad to deal with. I’m caffeine sensitive, so I can’t have it at all. Period. Caffeine makes me rapid cycle, which means your mood shifts in seconds. People who rapid cycle definitely need medication since it is hard to control rapid cycling without it.
Alcohol used to make me mellow, and less blunt. I behaved like a conventional girl. My whole family imposed the drinking. When I quit drinking, that affected the balance of power. I quit drinking, that is the bottom-line in the present. I decided drinking wasn’t good for me. I’m quite happy with my decision to quit drinking, period. I haven’t touched alcohol in eight years. I will not be corrupted. Not even if some people decided to bring alcohol to the house. They are such enthusiasts about something that causes brain damage. They have no idea how alcohol makes schizophrenia worse. This is why I quit drinking, and let my meds do the work.