I can't tell you how many holidays and get-togethers my alcoholic/drug addicted husband has spoiled over the past decades for me, my kids, family, and friends.
Always walking on eggshells, the stress of constantly following behind him hoping he was not getting too sloppy, saying anything out of line, and embarrassing us.
No more. My kids are all grown and they, as well as myself, have bluntly told him we refuse to be around you when you are drinking. We love you and have no problem including you in things as long as you are NOT drinking or high.
If you can come sober and remain that way you are welcome; if not, stay away. Our lives are too short to deal with the stress of issues that only you can control. We won't.
So after extensive reading on the Internet, running through hundreds of hours in time searching for answers from many and all of these sites, I learned a few things.
First off, no matter how many times he blames me, it is not my fault. I also read I needed strict boundaries. This is the tough part, but I have made them known to him. Although it is extremely difficult keeping them all the time, I am getting better.
I have made these things clear.
- I will not be buying you alcohol or driving you anywhere you can get booze or drugs.
- I will not be picking you up from bars, friends' houses or anywhere you have been getting drunk or high.
- I will not be going anywhere with you to do these things. You are also not permitted to join me or the family for any events, celebrations, and such if you are drinking or high. If you get that way when we are there you will be asked to leave and taken home.
- Our grown children are also refusing to be around you during these times, and you are not welcomed in their homes in such conditions.
- We will not lie, make excuses, or cover up the messes, legal, physical, and so on, that you get into in such states.
- I will not share a bedroom with you, wash your laundry, pay your bills or spend my time concerned about what shape you are in, what you are doing, and if you are okay.
- I will not be giving up my free time or activities I want to do because I feel guilty.
- If you are arrested, call someone other than me or your children because it is your problem.
- I will not hunt the house for booze and pills, search your phone, drive around looking for you, or bother trying to pick you up where you pass out. Fall asleep with your head in a toilet, wake up there.
- The kids and I will not be a prisoner to your addiction. We choose to live our lives. If you choose to get clean and sober, come along with us. We are having a hell of a great time now.
If not, continue your own version of a hell of a life... alone. Your future lies within your hands, We will not be made to feel guilty because you choose the life you have been living. At 55-years-old, you have more sunsets behind you than ahead of you. It would be sad to see you continue to waste any more of them.
It is just how it is. If I could have things differently I would but, it is his addiction he causes, his to cure and his to change. Sincerely, the family of an alcoholic/addict who has chosen to just move on.