Greetings once again. It is I, Malcolm. I'm here to tell you even more stories from Groovy Spoons. You can find my original article here.
But if you're all caught up, then lets dive straight in, to tales of the security at Groovy Spoons...
Entry is charged at £3 between 11 PM & 12:30 AM on a Friday and Saturday night. On these nights, a team of three bouncers comes in to patrol the club/pub for any drunken idiots causing trouble.
The security staff at Groovy Spoons are on a revolving rota; with the boss bouncer, Dave, coming every week, and the other two changing week-to-week.
Dave is a massive, bald, overweight, racist, middle-aged Santa lookalike, who has been arrested 37 times, for everything from ABH and GBH to assault and kidnapping. So if it's your turn to go on the door and be responsible for the charging entry fee, then you have to go into the small area between the outside door and the inside door, the 'pub airlock' if you like, with massive, racist Dave, and listen to what he has to say.
He has made great use of this 90 minute alone time before, preaching all about how corrupt Germany is, how the media is unfair to Trump, how immigrants have ruined his hometown, how China is the most dangerous country on the planet, and how we never actually went to the moon, just to name a few.
Speaking of the Moon...
My favourite Dave experience took place on a clear, cool night under the light of a full moon. Dave was staring up at the sky, with a twinkling of vigilance in his eye.
"There'll be trouble tonight," he said, with an air of mystery. When I inquired how he knew this, he simply stated "because of the moon. There is always trouble on a full moon."
My consequent werewolf joke fell flat on its face so I knew he was serious. "How can the moon cause trouble?" I asked, inquisitively.
"Well nobody really knows. But, d'ya wanna hear my theory?"
Of course. Of course I wanted to hear his theory.
"The way I see it, the moon controls the sea, right? The waves and the tides and stuff. And a human is what... 80% water? So, when there is a full moon, it makes people crazier. Makes sense, right?"
At this point I was too scared to disagree, knowing that 80% of him may be acting crazy under the lunar influence. I just accepted that 30+ years of doing security must have taught him that there is more trouble on a full moon, or its just a ridiculous coincidence.
HOWEVER, later that night, there was the most vicious, terrifying fight that I had ever seen between two drunk women. Clumps of hair being pulled out, shoes being used as weapons, and pants being pulled down. It was very intense.
So maybe Dave was right.
The Scottish Italian Stallion
One of the bouncers that come in is 'The Scottish Italian Stallion.' He is the most confident man I have ever met. He is a well tanned, well built, well groomed man, who struts around the place as if he is God's gift to humanity. Similar to Dave, I have been caught in the pub airlock with the Scottish Italian Stallion on a few occasions, and endured as he flirted with every single woman that came though the door.
He has a very thick Glaswegian accent, but makes reference to his Italian heritage many times a night. Hence the nickname 'The Scottish Italian Stallion'.
He has boasted to me that he is married, but has two 'full time' mistresses, whatever that means. He also told me that he slept with 300 women last year, but still expressed his disappointment that it wasn't one for every day of the year.
"The key is confidence," he told me, after I watched him make eye contact with a woman, take a lollipop out of his mouth and put it into hers. He used this confidence throughout the night to flirt with multiple women, at one point stopping to snog one of them just a couple feet away from me.
Max is what you would call a rookie bouncer. He has only recently started the job, and is purely in it for the action. He was at the heart of the female fight I just mentioned, taking several stiletto hits to the head as he tried to separate the two.
Max is always full of energy, and this often gets on the other bouncer's nerves. He repeats stupid facts that he has read, even ones that are clearly untrue, and manages to make an entire conversation out of it.
He seems like just an average bloke on the surface, however he has a rather bizarre tattoo on the inside of his forearm. He has a 'ripped skin' tattoo, wherein it is drawn to look as if the skin is ripped and the image that is underneath is emerging from inside the body. So, young Max, happy-go-lucky Max, local bouncer Max, has a large U.S. Confederate flag ripped skin tattoo on his arm.
I just don't understand. Why would anyone from the U.K. feel so strongly towards the U.S. Confederacy that they get the flag tattooed on their arm? And why would they have the tattoo designed so it looks as if the skin were ripping away to reveal said flag? As if to imply that across his whole body, below the skin but above the muscle, is the flag of the Confederacy.
I do not understand!
Kate is about 5'2", but tough as a brick wall, a really hard tough brick wall. She does bodybuilding and motocross in her spare time, and wears a permanent scowl on her face. Kate is an ex-bar manager, and used to work in an even worse place than Groovy Spoons, so she really knows how to deal with a rowdy drunk.
Once, I was sweeping up in the smoking area, and she told me off because I was sweeping towards the wind, and therefore it was inefficient. Subsequently, I have taken great steps to avoid encounters, and inevitable tellings off, from her.
As the name suggests, Matthew is just the nicest bouncer in the world. I have nothing bad to say about him. He is polite, sociable, and gives a very nice handshake.
I like him.
One Big Happy Family
It does sometimes seem like Dave is the father, and he brings along two of his children to help beat up drunken idiots. Max and Kate often argue and undermine each other, and it's up to Dave to sort them out. Or, when the Scottish Italian Stallion gets a bit carried away with a lady, it's up to Dave to sort out.
Sometimes they all band together and wedgie the DJ, or give the DJ a wet willy, or wipe a dirty car with the DJ's hoodie. Picking on the DJ is sort of a family activity for them.
And there isn't a sight on this Earth quite as magical as watching a massive 30 stone Santa lookalike run through a crowd of people to stop a fight.
As weird and dysfunctional as the security team can be, they often have a nice little group hug at the end of a shift, and it almost melts my heart. Until I remember about the racism, and general unpleasantness.
What a ride, eh? I hope you've enjoyed it.
Come back again soon, for some more tales from Groovy Spoons.
You can find me on Twitter here.
Disclaimer: These stories and characters are 100% real, however all names and locations have been altered so I don't lose my job.