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How can I make these bad thoughts go away? I truly believe in Karma and I do not like putting all this negative energy out into the world, but I do not know how to control it.
It really is ridiculous the things that come out of a drunk's mouth. They are so delusional that they make up chaos just to have something to fight about.
I want so bad not to wish him harm in any way. God knows he is hurting himself enough and doesn't need any ill wishes from others. But it is nights like these that I sadly wish for it all to end.
Lucky me, someone, most likely someone who felt sorry for him, or just got tired of dealing with the sloppy drunk, brought him home. So the Friday night I thought I was going to have free of stress just ramped up to sheer agony for me.
Don't get me wrong, he is not physically abusive at all. This is probably for a few reasons. First off, he is next to nothing skin and bones, a mere frail little man. Second, he is always too sloppy drunk to hardly stand, never the less start a physical fight. And three, should it ever come to that, he knows I would have his ass locked up so fast he wouldn't know what hit him.
No, the kind of abuse I get is verbal. And to anyone who has ever suffered from verbal abuse, you know well enough that it is just as damaging as the physical.
No matter how hard I work at detaching from him, he continues to follow me around trying to engage me in an argument. He makes up things just to try to fight. Tonight, for instance, he has accused me of being in love with the gas station attendant that pumps my gas.
Please, this guy is well into his 60's and works at the gas station to make enough money to buy his booze too. He doesn't even drive. He rides a bike to work. So yeah, I am wanting to trade one alcoholic loser for another. Unreal!
I am now up in my room, hoping that he has already, or will pass out very soon. I just do not want to deal with him. He has yelled up the stairs and told me he should have listened to my mom and not married me... Laughable.
If anything, it was the other way around. He claims he would have such a great life, with a good job, and a good woman if it wasn't for me. I know I am not supposed to engage with him when he is like this, but I couldn't help but say, "Please, then, proceed on into that life and wife. Do not let me stop you."
That resulted in a huffy grunt and door slam. So in ten more minutes I will tippy-toe down the steps and see if he is sleeping on the couch, or floor, wherever, and shut off the lights and lock the doors that he loves to leave on and open. I also must make sure he has not turned the stove on, left food cooking, or water running in the bathroom.
I did not have this much to do when my kids were small and living at home. Why is it that alcoholics feel that it is okay to be so irresponsible and that somewhere someone will always be there to clean up their messes? I don't do it for him, but for me. I have to protect my home from his destruction.
It is nights like these that I secretly wish he would get arrested and have to do some serious time. I believe not only would it sober him up, but it would be a real awakening in how real life works.
And yeah for me, tomorrow is Saturday. God give me strength to make it through another day in this alcoholic's sad world.