I have spent a lot of my free time in bars, for both social reasons and alcoholic reasons. Bars are kind of my thing, and to a point, I've noticed that they are almost everyone's "kind of thing, too."
That's probably why bars are such a profitable industry, if you think about it. People of all walks of life will find themselves in bars, no matter who they are. One thing I've noticed over my years of drinking is that there are many different kinds of drinkers out there.
So, what kind of drinker are you, you ask? Match it up with my ridiculous list, and find out!
Bros never drink alone: they travel in packs like wolves. They are very loud, often aggressive groups who tend to act like bratty frat-boys well into their 50s. They also tend to say that their friends are "Bros," too.
Often noted by their super-conservative dress, their shouts of "WOO!" and the fact that they tend to talk about "status" in the bar scene, Bros tend to be the first ones to find themselves banned from bars. This is because they tend to start fights, and if they're really bad, might also end up groping women.
Bros generally are not people you want to drink with, unless you're a Bro. However, for what it's worth, they are miraculously good at finding bars with low-priced beers but high-end ambiance. So, if you can tolerate them, they tend to flock to good bars...when Bros aren't there.
Favorite Drinks: Coors, martini, whatever's on tap, Bro.
The Hipster is not really about drinking, per se. They're more about being seen with the right drink in the right location — and they also have to ensure that they look as artsy™ as can be, due to their deep, starving-artist-living-off-a-trust-fund-deal™.
They are the type of people who will shell out $12 for a fancy drink, simply because it's trendy. Hipsters are not actually artistic, per se. They like to just be trendy and "quirky" without actually having any reason to be that way aside from the potential of making it big as an Instagram model or something.
As obnoxious as they are, they can be hilarious when they get very drunk — and yes, they will drink themselves past the point of singularity, if given the opportunity to do so.
Favorite Drinks: You haven't heard of it yet. It's the next big thing. Also, PBR.
Ratchets are the people who you can often smell a mile away — but not always. They're not about class, they're about being loud, possibly getting into a fight, and enjoying cheap liquor on their dime while asking for pricey goods on someone else's dime.
They will get into fights if you look at them the wrong way, they will cause a scene, and to a point, they may end up getting blackout drunk. In the morning, they will awaken on the train or bus — or on a park bench. In the morning, their homing instincts will take hold, and they can find their way home.
Such is life for them.
Favorite Drinks: Colt 45, whatever people buy for them.
The Woo Girl
Woo girls are known for being loud — specifically, for screaming the ever-obnoxious "WOO!" in the middle of the club or bar they're at. They are most commonly known for a dire lack of personality, and for being the girls who will most likely walk home from a club in tears, while holding their shoes in one hand.
Most commonly, Woo Girls are seen in the presence of the Bros. They are equally shallow and pedantic, and don't have personalities of their own, either. Thankfully, liquor makes them more interesting.
Favorite Drinks: Cosmos, sugary drinks that end in -tini, pina coladas, and if you're in the South, whiskey.
As shocking as it is for some to believe, there are some drinkers who take their alcohol very seriously. They will be the ones who can tell you the difference between a cider and a lambic — and will also critique every martini as if it was the least awesome thing in the world.
Sophi-Drinkers tend to congregate in the most upscale bars and restaurants they can find, and often will be happy to pay big bucks for quality booze. As such, they're the foodies of the bar world, and seeing them at any particular location is a guarantee of quality (albeit expensive) drinks.
Favorite Drinks: Classic Martini, Old Fashioned, artisan cocktails that involve infusions and ingredients you can't pronounce.
Mr. Deliverance is the kind of drinker who is pointedly country, to the point that he probably has his truck parked outside the bar. He's the type of guy who will talk about "not wanting your type around here," and will spend nights on end waxing poetic about the 10-point buck he just so epically missed.
Though you'd think that Mr. Deliverance was a Southern-only treat, they can be found throughout the United States. Why? Because anyone can be a redneck as long as they have a shotgun, a pickup, and a penchant for huntin' and fishin'.
Favorite Drinks: Anything domestic, because they don't take kindly to foreigners around their parts. Oh, they also hate craft beer because...well, no one knows.
I consider myself to be one of these. When at a bar, they will get blackout drunk and binge drink at the drop of a hat. They also may end up wrecking their chances of actually making ends meet because they spend so much money on booze. Or, they will just drink alone, because that's what alcoholics do.
After a wild night out, they may end up waking up on a park bench. Such is life.
Favorite Drinks: Anything with booze in it.
The Hot Chick
Hot chicks are always at bars for one of two reasons: they're either looking to sleep with someone, or looking for free drinks. Or, both. Who knows? All that you can tell is that hot girls tend to know that they are hot — and they tend to be picky about what they drink.
Favorite Drinks: Whatever they order on your dime.
The Normal Barfly
Around 80 percent of all people will not fit in any other category, primarily because they're not making asses of themselves in bars. They just want to chill with their friends, enjoy a good beer or two, and have fun in a bar environment.
Barflies can be of any age, and of any background. As long as they have a beer in hand and friends by their sides, they're happy as clams. They also have a tendency of having a go-to bar they enjoy. Should this happen, you need not be surprised; the right bar can be a home away from home.
Favorite Drinks: Cheap domestic drinks and whatever else they feel like.