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When Life Is a Mess

Mistakes Fueled with Alcohol

It is 10:31 PM and I'm sitting here with my whole life shattered into pieces.  I have lost my wife and I have lost my job.  I am at the end of the road and I just simply do not know what will be next in my life.  Telling my story is perhaps a cathartic necessity or a cry for pity or just a mere denial.  What is clear to me is that this is all self-inflicted.  I did it to myself, I brought myself into this deep dark abyss and I can't, won't, blame anyone else.

In the early hours of October, I sent the most stupid message I could have ever sent.  I sent it to the wrong person, for the wrong reasons at the wrong time.  This person was little known to me, she meant nothing and yet she now means my worst memory, my worst mistake.  A girl who has suffered greatly in her life and whose fears and insecurities found in me the right target to aim all her frustrations and failures.

My message did not contain anything much apart from a request to meet years in the future, without any other intention than a chat.  A chat about her survival, a chat about her experiences.  At least that is how I see it all.  But it did not come across like that.  I worded it completely wrong, I wrote words that were open to the worst interpretations.  I inadvertently and stupidly made myself a clown, a threat, and a fool.

A week after my message, the police came to speak to me.  They asked questions that I answered in full honesty.  They wanted to know my intentions, which were clean and harmless.  They understood and left.  I was an innocent man in their eyes.  I had not committed a crime, I was free to go.  Yet, a parallel justice was ready to take charge of the rest of my life.

She had taken my message to a friend of hers who in turn spoke to the police and to my boss.  I was now in the centre of an investigation and was now facing a very likely dismissal.  I was about to face the worst weeks in my life.  

That night of October I had been drinking.  And I had been drinking regularly for about four years.  At weekends, at nightclubs, at pubs, at all sorts of places.  I was Icarus, with large wings, feeling the king of the world.  I never measured my desire for alcohol.  I drank thinking that I was in control.  An alcoholic whose actions were nothing else but the sure sentence to oblivion.

But I was not an alcoholic, I convinced myself every time I went out.  I can manage it, I can do it without harming anyone, not even myself.  What a fool I was.

Four years ago, my soon-to-be ex-wife lost our baby.  She was not well and I did not look after her.  I was selfish and I did not think for a moment that the woman I had promised to love, look after, and die with was feeling absolutely lonely and rejected.  She lost our baby because I was not enough as a man, a friend, a partner.

After our loss, I began drinking much more.  I was not sad or angry.  I simply wanted to drink, go out, speak to people.  Meanwhile, my beautiful wife was alone, looking after herself and our puppy.  I would call her before going out.  She knew I was going out.  She knew it and she put up with it.  She was and will always be the best human being I ever met.

But I lost her.  She got tired, she grew angry and frustrated.  She could not cope with our marriage anymore and four weeks before my reckless message, she told me she wanted the divorce.  I did not argue, I did not fight back.  I knew it was coming and I pretended it was fine.  It wasn't.

When I sent my message, I was not thinking straight.  I was drunk and I was acting like a selfish bastard.  When I got the girl's reply, I knew I had made a mistake and I apologised and asked to stop talking about anything else.  She insisted on an answer:  'Explain yourself.'  She requested many times.  I eventually said that I just wanted to talk.  Nothing else.

Six weeks later, I am now here, sitting with a letter stating my dismissal.  I am unemployed and completely lost.  I have thrown all my work, my life my future in the gutter, I have lost it all.  For nothing.  I am at the bottom of the abyss, hopeless and confused.  

I apologise to you my dear reader, I just needed a way to release this bitter anger that fills my heart, anger against my stupid actions.  Against my selfishness.  Because I know there are people out there in worst situations than me.  People with severe conditions, without family or even worse, without another chance.  Yet I am here writing this text, trying to find redemption or forgiveness.

If there is anything I know I have learned is that I owe all of this to my alcoholic ways, my need to drink without limit, and my false belief that I was safe.  No wonder why it is called spirits.  They take your soul and screw your mind, they make you act like an animal and make you face the consequences like a child.  

I know I will have to move on, I will have to face this shitty situation and make it work somehow.  I know I still have my freedom, my health, and my family.  I know that my ex-wife is still my friend and that she does not hold any grudges against me or my actions.  I am lucky to be fair.  But it looks really dark from this corner of the hole.

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When Life Is a Mess
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