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Monday: (Day 1)
Assuming I had a drink Sunday night... and by “drink,” I mean drank as much Jameson as I could before I passed the fuck out.
I wake up feeling great, plain and simple. I’m full of energy. I feel healthy, strong, clearheaded, my confidence is through the roof (I know it’s odd... but I can’t explain it). I don’t have to think about anything, everything just seems to “make sense” to me.
By the time lunch rolls around I start feeling... I don’t know... itchy I guess. And I start feeling a mild migraine.
Bedtime rolls around, and the headache is still there, I also feel uncomfortable. Like I need a five-star massage and a blowjob.
Tuesday: (Day 2)
I wake up feeling that mild headache from the day before. I have this MILD urge to drink, but I don’t wanna pick up the bottle first thing... I already have a set of rules established.
- No drinking on an empty stomach.
- No drinking whiskey (hard liquor) before 7:00pm
- No drinking alone, Ever.
So I move on from the urge... well I can’t move on.. I deal with it.
Lunch time hits... and I feel Cloudy, I’m beginning to have a hard time thinking straight. At work, I deal with numbers. This now means that I have to triple-check my work, when I normally just double check it. I start feeling cold, but I’m from California and it’s the middle of September, which means it stays in the mid 90s until October hits... but I can manage.
Bedtime, and I can’t sleep. That cold that hit me in the middle of my day, just hit me harder. Throwing on a sweater is ridiculous because I can’t stop sweating. I can’t stop thinking about whiskey. But I can’t give up... it’s only day two.
Wednesday: (Day 3)
I wake up with my migraine feeling like a baseball Bat to the head. I’m feeling nauseous. My vision feels cloudy, and staring at or around a light hurts. I’m freezing, but I can’t stop sweating. I keep asking myself, “it’s okay to have a double whiskey before work.. right?” But I’m serious about my sobriety this time so I can’t... At least I hope I am. It’s 1:30 PM. And I have work in an hour. You know why I didn’t mention that before? Because if I fail, and I need that Drink, then at least I did it with some dignity. I didn’t drink until 7:00 PM... my lunchtime. Rule 3.
Lunchtime. My head hurts so much that my sensitivity to light just tripled. I’ve thrown up at least twice. I can’t atop thinking about whiskey. I’m in a sweater and a pair of pants in 92 degree weather. But when someone asks.. “I have the flu I think.. yeah, my sister got it.” When I’m done checking my work for the sixth time, I ask a co worker to check it. I’m completely useless.
Bedtime, and I can’t sleep because I’m wrapped around my toilet at 2:00 AM and if I can’t get to bed soon, my Thursday is gonna be harder than it already is. I’m laying in bed with socks, sweats, a light hoodie and a a heavy blanket.
Thursday: (Day 4)
I wake up drenched in sweat. I can’t stop thinking about alcohol... whiskey, vodka, gin, beer... anything. Anyone or thing that’s too far away is blurry. I hop in the shower... but I can’t focus on things right... I keep forgetting my shower order. Hair, shoulders, back, arms, torso, the three amigos... my dick and balls... those are the three amigos... ass and legs.
I’ve already washed my hair twice... I think I scrubbed my back, better do it again.. or for the first time. Oh and did I mention I’m showering with the light dimmed. But I can’t stay in their for to long... the noise from the shower head is irritating.
Lunchtime. I’m counting the minutes until 7:00... it’s 6:40 in case I fail... again. and I can’t stop scratching.. i feel like a crack head. I can’t can feel myself getting more and more antisocial.. I already have a hard enough problem talking to people. Now its even harder.
Bedtime? What a fucking joke. I’ve thrown away three trash cans in the last six months... wanna know why? Because I can’t always make it to the toilet.
Wanna know how many times I’ve tried staying sober in the last six months? Yeah... three.
Friday: (Day 5)
My record for sobriety is 21 days... and every day gets harder and harder.. it never gets easier. Time doesn’t help. The average amount of “sober days” I usually get is five... what I mean is that I can’t take it anymore. I’m tired of throwing up 15 minutes after I eat. I’m tired of feeling cold but sweating up a fucking storm. I’m tired of not being able to think clearly. I’m tired of lights being to bright. But more importantly I'm tired of being sober.
I know I’m gonna give up today.
Why wait for 7:00 PM?
Why eat? I’m gonna throw it up anyway.
Why drink with someone? I’d rather be alone instead of being around people that make me feel alone.
“I’ll just have one... just before work and I’ll get back on it!”
I can’t stop at one.
“...Just before work...” turns into just “some” vodka in a water bottle at lunch.
It’s 2:18 PM.
I have work in 12 minutes and I got three hours of sleep.
Of course I failed. Of course I drank.
Of course I failed.